Lashing Out: Learning to Love Monolids with Some Courage From False Lashes

Editor’s Note: The following piece was chosen as a finalist in NextShark’s personal Essay Contest 2019. The views expressed in story are the writer’s own.

My savior and vice is a set of dramatic false eyelashes with a “lengthy center for added volume.” According to the product description, it’s designed for a “bigger, bright-eyed effect.”

To those with deep creases and voluminous lashes, eyes are just a set of rose-colored glasses to view the rest of the world with. My glasses were shattered at an early age when fellow Asians around me mentioned that I was the only girl in middle school without double eyelids. From then on, I started fixating on the differences between monolids and double eyelids. Every time the line “put this color on the crease” was mentioned in makeup tutorials, I rolled my eyes knowing that I would be forced to wear eyelid tape to fit in. Every time my classmates gestured the “slant-eyed” expression towards me and compared me to every “Chinese-looking” women with monolids, I lost sense of who I was. I believed I was truly part of an ethnicity where no one truly stood out except for the ones with big round European-looking eyes.

I was certain there were other mono-lidded women who felt alienated the same way as I did, who resorted to plastic surgery just so they would not have to deal with such hurtful stereotypes and mockery. Around the time I was considering double-eyelid surgery (which was encouraged even by my own parents), the makeup artist for my graduation took a different approach — he skipped the double eyelid tape and attached lightweight but dramatic, long black curled eyelashes. His introduction of lashes led me to acquire a newfound weapon that allowed me to enhance my overall look without erasing part of my identity as a mono-lidded East Asian.

At the moment, I apply my false lashes with the powerful stance of a samurai donned in shining armor and the unbreakable poise of an imperial empress flowing in silk attire. With them on, I feel as if my confidence surges dramatically as a new layer of protection and elegance is added to my overall demeanour. Without them, I feel vulnerable to the lingering nicknames of “chubby bao bun” and “lil’ ching chong” or being demeaned to the status of traditional Hentai women (Japanese animated pornography characters).

The more I am compared to stereotypes that dangerously tie me to being “cute” and “submissive”, the more I feel stripped of my identity that I still strive to retain. My desire to be taken seriously for who I genuinely am motivates me to reach for the lashes — hence reaching past my seemingly soft demeanor and making way for a self-assured attitude I didn’t know I could possess before. I harness the power of false lashes to protect myself from those who have the nerve to test my patience. I successfully give warning gestures to men who even consider taking advantage of me.

I hold my head up high without ever conforming to Eurocentric beauty standards and I carry myself with the confidence I lacked during my childhood. Whenever something miraculous appears in my life to guide me, I cannot help but automatically assume it would backfire one way or another. Confidence has not always been easy to obtain— especially for someone who barely emerged victorious from previous battles with body dysmorphia.

My worst fear in utilizing false lashes as one of my solutions to obtain confidence is that I would become dependent on them in hopes of eternally preserving my self-esteem. Sometimes I feel as if I have created an alter ego with a piercing gaze and an unapologetic smirk that my “normal” self cannot encompass. Will she remain loyal to her wide-eyed sister who refuses to grow up? Or will she attempt to break ties with the hopeful young one who looks up to her? These are just a few fragments of my concerns that cloud my judgement and leave me contemplating taking the leap of faith with false lashes in the first place.

Another segment of my anxiety includes my fear of suffering from a relapse of the insecurities I endured during my childhood if I were to let go of my false lashes. After discovering something that changed my life for the better, I would highly prefer not to grow attached to the extent that I am routinely pressured to wear them.

Torn between who I currently am and who I am striving to be, I aim to strike a balance by drawing in the Chinese philosophical principles of Yin and Yang. I have always developed an obsession with Yin and Yang for a plethora of reasons. According to Ancient History Encyclopedia, Yin (dark) and Yang (light) describes how “seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.”

Although these principles are intended for romantic love and relationships, I find it beautiful how it relates to the unromantic love and acceptance I feel for my eyes with and without false lashes. I admit that particular love and acceptance may not be seamlessly expressed nor easily identifiable, but I know for a fact that it exists. This rare sliver of hope left in me is what helps me fight the siren songs that seduce me into believing that if I were to ever love myself, I would have to permanently alter a key part of me that does not fit into society’s standards of perfection. No matter how much my femme fatale (Yin) and girl next door (Yang) personas seem to heavily contrast with each other, they can indeed find common ground to form an alliance and fight outside forces that dare question their harmony.

I am a young woman of numerous insecurities, but I have the power of objects I associate with that help me cope. I believe it is safe to declare that false eyelashes will remain in my life and within my control until I can find less time-consuming alternatives to exude more confidence. Regardless, I will always cherish how they appeared in my life when I needed them most and how they helped me realize the value of my own identity before it was too late.

Nowadays, whenever I see posts on social media and other real-life pressures that underestimate the beauty of monolids, I no longer get tempted by the possibilities of double eyelid surgery. Instead, I sharpen my modern-day weapon to perfection by carefully applying DUO eyelash adhesive on my Ardell Eyelash Demi Wispies, meticulously gluing them onto my creaseless eyelid, and seizing the moment as any mono-lidded East Asian empress should.

About the Author: Moe Hay Mar Kaung is an international student who can’t relate to international student memes. She’s a business economics major and psychology minor so you know she’s into analyzing behavior. Her Asian parents actually support writing as her hobby because she gets recognition from it. 

The post Lashing Out: Learning to Love Monolids with Some Courage From False Lashes appeared first on NextShark.

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