5 ways parents can talk to kids about LGBTQ+ identities
If you're a parent or caregiver unsure of how to start a conversation with a child about what it means to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer, consider Pride month an important opportunity to start an ongoing dialogue.
The monthlong recognition of LGBTQ+ identity, community, and history typically brings rainbow pride flags, celebratory professional sporting events and gear, and dozens of Pride parades. But this year conservative activists and influencers have engaged in seemingly effective high-profile protests of Pride. Under such pressure, the Navy removed Pride messaging posted to its Instagram account, the Department of Defense canceled a drag show at a Nevada Air Force base, and Target pulled some of its Pride merchandise.
To mark the beginning of Pride month, President Joe Biden described this moment as an "inflection point." Biden's remarks detailed attacks on LGBTQ+ people, including bans on certain library and school books, the passage of hundreds of "hateful laws" targeting the community in 2023, bills prohibiting medical treatment for transgender children, and "armed hate groups" attempting to intimidate participants at Pride marches and drag performances.
There's a good chance that no matter what your child has seen on the news or on social media about LGBTQ+ identity and these events, they'll have questions about what Pride means, giving you the chance to talk openly about it with them.
"This is a Pride season where a parent is actually quite likely to hear something from their child — maybe a question, maybe an observation — about the sort of heightened degree of conflict around LGBTQ+ lives this year," says Eliza Byard, co-founder of the nonpartisan education advocacy group Campaign for Our Shared Future. "You're sending a very important signal by being open to the conversation."
If you want to feel better prepared for that moment, the following tips from Byard will help:
1. Have the conversation regardless of whether a child has come out as LGBTQ+.
Parents and caregivers should talk to kids about LGBTQ+ issues in an age-appropriate way even if there's no indication a child might be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer, says Byard, who formerly served as the executive director of GLSEN, a nonprofit advocacy network focused on creating LGBTQ-inclusive schools.
"You’re sending a very important signal by being open to the conversation."
For example, Byard says children may have questions about book bans at their own schools or in classrooms across the country. Such bans have often targeted material that portrays or affirms the existence of LGBTQ+ people. In 2022, more than half of the top 13 books challenged contained LGBTQIA+ content, according to the American Library Association, which tracks censorship in public libraries and schools. These titles included the memoir Gender Queer, the graphic novel Flamer, and the nonfiction guide This Book Is Gay.
Byard says that book bans can be confusing and frightening for children, because they make it seem like certain ideas and people aren't safe for children and aren't welcome in the community.
Experiencing that sentiment is possible for children regardless of how they identify, which is why conversations about the issue are so important, adds Byard.
Though you may want to familiarize yourself with words and concepts commonly used to describe LGBTQ+ identity, Byard says parents and caregivers don't have to know everything before talking to a child. In fact, you might even consider admitting what you don't know. Discussions can be wonderful opportunities to learn from your children, she says.
2. Be ready to speak and listen without judgment.
Byard recommends an "openhearted" approach to discussing LGBTQ+ identity with a child. First, if that young person thinks they're LGBTQ+, they might bring up a related subject to test your level of tolerance and acceptance. By seeing your own openness to the conversation, they'll feel a greater level of safety and security, says Byard.
"It's truly important for all parents to know that the simple expression of unconditional love, even if there are areas of deep disagreement or areas that you don't want to touch on...is absolutely critical to a child's well-being and has a profound effect on their life prospects," says Byard, citing research demonstrating the power of living in an affirming home or community.
Moreover, when parents and caregivers set a compassionate and empathetic example, it helps children model that behavior. Byard says it's critical that parents of heterosexual and cisgender kids make clear that discrimination and violence aren't acceptable behaviors. Your level of comfort and the language you use with a child can reinforce or diffuse negative and potentially dangerous stereotypes of LGBTQ+ people.
Byard says that approach is especially needed now, as anti-transgender legislation along with hostile rhetoric increasingly target transgender youth and adults.
"This is a time when many LGBTQ+ people, particularly transgender people, are very, very, very afraid," says Byard. "This is a time when there's a lot of active attacks underway on a whole sector of our society. For those people, of course, the everyday stakes are very, very high."
Byard adds that even if parents and their children don't fear increased discrimination based on their gender identity or sexuality, parents should still recognize the "grave threat" the ostracism of one group poses to everyone.
3. Talk about universal values.
If you feel out of your depth talking about LGBTQ+ issues, try focusing on universal values. Pride month, for example, is about "being able to be fully who you are, no matter who you are," says Byard. "When you let your child experience you talking about that, it may give them permission to be who they are."
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This isn't just inspiring for children who identify as LGBTQ+. Kids who feel constrained in other ways — think of the boy who doesn't want to play football or the girl who is bullied for liking computer science — might find hope in the message of Pride month. After all, says Byard, living authentically as yourself is a "quintessential American value."
Given the current political climate, Byard says that parents can also frame Pride as an example of living in a diverse democracy and an expression of a shared commitment to civil discourse. Both values are commonly shared by many Americans, independently of other differences. Byard suspects that even people who may not be "entirely comfortable" with the LGBTQ+ community recognize that some of the "extreme views" being expressed today threaten foundational American values.
4. Focus on simple concepts.
Many parents and caregivers are intimidated by the prospect of talking to their kids about sexuality and gender identity.
In this situation, Byard recommends appearing comfortable in front of kids. So if you're discussing what it means to be transgender, for example, you can start with the age-old adage that a book can't be judged by its cover. That's a relatable, well-known idea that can spark a broader conversation about how you might not correctly guess someone's gender identity just by looking at them, and how some people might appear one way but feel differently inside.
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If the conversation ventures into a politically complex subject, Byard advises parents to continue sticking with a simple, age-appropriate approach.
For example, if a child asks why the musician Kid Rock recently posted a video of himself shooting a case of Bud Light in response to the beer company partnering with a transgender influencer, Byard says you might respond thusly: "Unfortunately, there's some people who believe that LGBTQ+ people should not be part of public life. They believe that so strongly that they've decided they're not going to buy this kind of beer because there was a trans person in the advertisement. I just want you to know that...there are trans people in our community, they have every right to be here, and that's not something that made me angry."
Byard adds that demonstrating calm resolve shows a child that their parent is secure in their values.
5. Address and denounce discrimination.
Byard says that conversations about LGBTQ+ identity with children shouldn't avoid political reality or the broader history of homophobic and transphobic laws and policies, beyond what is happening in 2023.
"It is one of the most consequential Pride seasons for our community."
She suggests parents and caregivers frame these challenges for younger children as a matter of fairness and for older children as a civil rights issue. They can also put into context how beliefs and laws change over time.
And while Byard acknowledges there's space for people to hold varying private beliefs, there's an expectation that we should all publicly "behave toward each other with respect." Talking to children about LGBTQ+ discrimination will help them understand what respect and fairness should look like.
At this uniquely challenging time, she also urges people who don't identify as LGBTQ+ to be a "proactive ally." That could mean attending a Pride parade or frequenting an LGBTQ+ business, and using such experiences to open and continue conversations about LGBTQ+ identity with your children.
"It is one of the most consequential Pride seasons for our community because of the way people are being targeted, because of how deeply frightened so many feel, and because of the ways all of our children are being sent terrifying messages about who's in and who's out..." says Byard.
Originally published in June 2018, this story was updated in June 2023.
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