Are you fake, and scared that people will find out?

Of all the obstacles that stand in the way of our desires and ambitions, one common one that many people face is impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome describes the inability of people to embrace their talents and achievements; instead, they attribute their successes to luck and are in a constant state of waiting to be “found out” for the fraud they believe themselves to be.

It’s little wonder that so many people experience this feeling of being a fake given that from early childhood, we are used to seeing people we respect – parents, teachers – going about their lives poised and determined while we struggle to get to grips with how life works and finding our place in the world.

As we move through life, it barely gets easier. When we meet friends and acquaintances, they usually present themselves well and talk about the current highlights of their lives and how much fun they’re having. Taking a look at our friends’ social media posts can often leave us feeling doubly envious at the sensational snapshots they provide from holidays, weddings, and other joyous events.

This is why we can say that at the root of impostor syndrome lies feelings of inadequacy fuelled by misconceptions of what other people’s lives must be like.

I vividly remember feeling shocked when, at the age of seven, I saw my school teacher, wearing jeans, buying her own food in the same supermarket at which my parents shopped. Until that point, I had assumed teachers were always elegantly attired and had their shopping taken care of by the kind of servants found in P.G. Wode-house novels.

That was (literally) a childish assumption of how seemingly accomplished people live their lives. But a lot of us retain such assumptions throughout our lives – more refined assumptions perhaps, but, nevertheless, just as misguided. Clinging to these misconceptions adds fuel to the fire of impostor syndrome; we know intellectually that our friends’ lives can’t be as wonderful as their snapshots would have us believe but, regardless, we remain feeling inadequate on an emotional level.

A key factor to why we find it hard to believe that our own talents and successes stem from hard work and innate ability is that we live with, and know ourselves, without end. Conversely, we know others through only what they choose to show us.

We’re painfully aware of our insecurities, our struggles and our challenges. However, when it comes to our friends and colleagues, we tend to see mainly their ambitions, triumphs and successes. This contrasting and false image can leave us with the sense that we’re not worthy of our own accomplishments and so we conclude that, at some point soon, we’re bound to be found out. While others have talent and composure in abundance, we have struggles, fears and failures.

As with any negative thinking, the way to overcoming feelings of inadequacy is to first accept that it’s normal to have these kinds of feelings – more people than you think share the same sense of being a fraud. By accepting that it’s OK to feel this way, it lessens the potency of corrosive thoughts – suppression only strengthens and reinforces destructive thought patterns.

We can also think about how there’s no one who has everything figured out; no one we know is a perfect performer.

We feel inadequete when comparing ourselves to our friends. This leaves us feeling worthless. Photo: 123rf.com

Another powerful step in reducing feelings of inadequacy is to reframe the way we talk about ourselves. For example, we might say things such as “I’m only a writer”, or “I’ve merely been invited to interview with the multinational company”. By using words like “only” and “merely”, we reinforce the idea that our achievements aren’t really anything special, and we rob ourselves of the recognition we deserve.

Finally, by practising the avoidance of comparing ourselves with others, we can free ourselves from tyrannical thoughts that can plague our minds. Rather than thinking in terms of who’s better than us, we can simply recognise that everyone’s different and we all have strengths and weaknesses and deal with struggles, regardless of our life circumstances.

By reframing the way we think about ourselves – free from comparison and unnecessary criticisms – in time, we diminish the power of negative self-perceptions and come to realise that there’s nothing much that separates us from others when it comes to potential. We are each as worthy as everyone else, and like everyone else, we should be proud of what we’ve achieved so far and look keenly forward to opportunities still to come.

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Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, e-mail star2@thestar.com.my.

Source : Star2.com