Look me in the eye

I once worked with a man who had squint eyes. He wasn’t cross-eyed, but I could never tell if he was speaking to me or to someone standing behind my right shoulder.

On those occasions when I was sure he could only be addressing me, even when it looked as if he was staring out the office window, I found myself trying to figure out which eye I should focus on so we could at least make some sort of eye contact.

Consequently, my eyes darted from one eye to the other, and I probably only listened to half of what he was saying.

He really was a lovely man, and I hated myself for focusing on this minor defect, but I sometimes wondered what it would be like to be his wife. Even when he thought he was staring adoringly into her eyes, while telling her how much he loved her, she probably thought he was declaring his undying devotion to the curtains.

My experience with this colleague made me realise that good eye contact plays a huge role in effective communication. Get it wrong, and some people will be quick to judge you.

“He’s got shifty eyes,” my mother once said to my teenage self about the boy next door. “You can never trust someone with shifty eyes.”

While it’s true that people often avert their gaze when they’re being dishonest, some people also do so when they are nervous, or out of deference, or because their culture tells them it’s rude to maintain too much eye contact.

I suspect the parents of the boy next door were saying something similar to their son about me. Why, just catching a glimpse of them (the very people who had created the object of my teenage desires) over the garden fence was enough to make me blush. And whenever I had to speak to them, I found it difficult to look them in the eye, mostly because I was positive they knew I’d been spying on their son from my bedroom window.

I think similar disconnected conversations probably take place between teenagers and adults the world over. Nonetheless, society expects young people to grow up and grow out of their overt self-consciousness at some stage.

But not everyone lives up to expectations.

I used to know a woman who would look away whenever she began a lengthy description of something and wouldn’t look at me again until she’d finished. I asked her about it once, because it seemed odd, and she said that by avoiding eye contact she could focus on exactly what she wanted to say.

Once, when she was describing in great detail the artwork on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, it occurred to me that I could sneak off, make myself a cup of tea and return before she’d finished. Or better still, I could tiptoe to my bedroom, change my clothes, put on a hat and return in time to say, “Wow! That sounds amazing,” at the end of the last sentence.

Even more amazing would be the expression on her face upon seeing my change of clothes. “Were you wearing that hat before?” she might ask.

“Yes,” I would say. “I’m surprised you didn’t notice it before. It’s big enough.”

But that would just have been mean.

If there’s too little eye contact, I find it difficult to make a connection with the speaker. It’s the same thing when I encounter someone who is wearing mirrored sunglasses. I find this so off-putting (looking at my own reflection) that I’ve even asked someone to remove their sunglasses when speaking to me.

Of course, it can be just as bad if you make too much eye contact. Overdo it and you might be viewed as being rude or hostile.

We humans have the same eye contact problem with certain wild animals. Whatever you do, don’t look directly into the eyes of a bear. But if you encounter a lion in the wild, it is recommended that you stare it down. The trick is to remember the type of eye contact that should be used with each animal. There are no second chances – you can only get it wrong once.

Whatever you do, don’t look directly into the eyes of a bear. Photo: AFP

Of course, people are usually a little more forgiving than animals, and no one’s going to jump on you because you didn’t get the “look” right. Nonetheless, I’ve heard of some celebrities who won’t allow their chauffeurs to look at them in the eye via the rear view mirror. They even include a clause to this effect in their driver’s work contract.

With all these dos and don’ts, I’m surprised that any of us get the balance right.

“What exactly constitutes too much or too little?” some of you might be asking right about now.

According to the experts, “direct eye contact ranging from 30% to 60% of the time during a conversation – more when you are listening, less when you are speaking – should make for a comfortable productive atmosphere.”

It seems we have to talk, make eye contact and calculate percentages at the same time.

I think I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a hot poker.

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Source : Star2.com