Brawl at recent nikah ceremony shines spotlight on wang hantaran

By The Level and FMT’s Lifestyle Desk

I’m pretty sure everyone’s familiar with the shocking viral video of a mob of enraged family members who went on a major silat brawl during a recent nikah ceremony gone terribly wrong:

Sigh. Here’s what happened. According to reports, the groom had promised a sum of RM15,000 as wang hantaran to the bride’s family – but on the big day, was only able to scrape up RM10,000, which led to brutal, slippers-flying combat between the families.

Amidst the mayhem, the groom requested for the sum to be reduced to RM7,500, as it was excessive and beyond his financial means – but the bride’s family stood firm with the RM15,000 price.

It is believed that the groom is a security guard who earns just RM1,500 a month – so RM15,000 is, indeed, a pretty big amount for him. But unfortunately, that’s part of the reality of marriage in Malay culture. The asking price for wang hantaran by most brides’ parents is sky-high, and potentially ruinous to the groom. (Prices are sometimes determined by the daughter’s academic qualifications, or by how “Islamic” they are).

Why is the dowry for prospective brides so impractical for middle and lower income Malay folk? We’ve listed a few reasons as to why parents charge an unreasonable price for wang hantaran.

Financial means
Parents will measure how much a groom is willing to invest in his ceremony as an indication of how well he would manage funds for his family. This is vital to them, as they do not want to see their daughter suffer through financial hardship.

Commitment
Parents want to see how committed a groom can be, and it starts with delivering on his first promise, which is to pay them the agree-upon amount of wang hantaran. It is also a lesson for the groom, who learns that he has to be entirely devoted to his spouse no matter how hard things get.

Responsibility
Commitment and responsibility are two different things. Commitment is when you can deliver on the promise you made, while responsibility is doing whatever it takes to ensure you fulfill your duties in all aspects. The bride’s parents would want to believe that a groom is responsible enough to take care of his family, and not leave when they’re needed the most.

But as much as money is important, parents should also remember that it isn’t everything, – especially for newlyweds. Parents should understand that marriage isn’t a merger of fortunes. Instead, it is the gathering of two hearts to live life, make decisions, and most importantly, struggle together. It is normal to struggle financially at an early stage in marriage, and in a way, struggling together can strengthen couples’ relationship with each other.

The groom however, should also step up to show how determined he is to ensure that the marriage can last. If the price of wang hantaran is too much, then think of alternative ways to deliver.

What prospective grooms should do:

Have a plan
Map out all of the things you want to do that can financially contribute to your relationship. But financial responsibility starts with the individual first. If living on a budget of RM1,000 per month is already too tight for you as a single person, why would you want to add a dependent? Plan something that might be fruitful for you and your future wife; work harder to get a raise, start a business, or do anything that would guarantee yourself a stable income source by age 30.

Save money
Whenever you get your paycheck, make you sure to set aside a sum of the money for your wedding. This will not only help you on rainy days, it will also convince your future wife’s parents that you’re not a spendthrift with no regard for your future.

Take your time
If you think that you’re not financially ready to get married, then wait. Take your time. Discuss your financial situation with your partner, and your plans for overcoming it. If she loves you, she will stay and help you through it, and when you’re ready, the wedding bells will ring.

Here’s the most important thing to bear in mind though: in Islam, wang hantaran is not compulsory (it is a pre-Islamic Malay tradition). Although you still have to pay a hefty fee for the mas kahwin, if you choose not to pay a dowry (and this is A-OK with the bride’s family), you can use the money you saved for other important things, like rent.

In a nutshell, wang hantaran is simply a means of measuring a groom’s capabilities. The amount can be diplomatically discussed over a cup of coffee and pisang goreng. In the end, it is down to communication between parents and the groom. As long as “happily ever after” is what you want and will strive for, then with God’s will, “happily ever after” is what you’ll get.

Also published in FMT’s youth portal, www.TheLevel.my

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